On showing up: the super power that never was

 This one is something I used to be really good at, then lost myself, but now and for the past 4/5 months. have been. finding it again and getting the results it it promises.

Both me and you, Rafael, struggle with. not being good enough at things. we'd really like to be good at.

We both share this (often) frustration in jiu jitsu, for instance.

We'd like to perform better, be more athletic, retain our knowledge and application of perfect technique much better, not just in training but also in sparring.

The problem we often have, is that of not putting in consistent effort, every single day, on things that could help improve our game. And so every time we have a bad training session, when we don't perform at the level we'd want to or think we should be performing, we get upset and impatient and feel like quitting. Like, no matter how hard we try,  that we'll always be lacking.

But those are exactly the days we should push ourselves, as those are also where progress is being done. We're finding all the ways that don't work, and that valuable.

As Danaher says "most people overestimate how much progress one can realistically make in 6 months and underestimate how much progress one can or could do in 5 years", if we'd just be consistent and did at least a tiny thing every single day.

Showing. up, consistently, whether one feels like it or not, is a super power that isn't.

Because it's not about being the best every day nor about really pushing yourself everyday, which can lead to burnout and injury. It's instead about consistency and showing up everyday, putting some level of effort even when, or especially when, we'd just like to quit.

Rafael, this isn't just about jiu jitsu. This is about life. This is about your struggles with your body image and your weight, and mine too as that's something else we also share. Consistent action is a super power that doesn't take genius or any special talent to attain. All it takes is a DECISION to endure, and I hope you take on the things you choose to become good at

On feeling and acting: the tiny space in between

 s we go about life and living, we feel feelings. It’s part of being human, a healthy human, and perfectly normal and that’s something which unites all of us.

What does set  some apart from others, is how much we let those feelings command or dictate our actions.

You, Rafael, tend to live with your “heart in your mouth” and that’s probably common and expected as you’re almost 8 years old as I write this, but I also have a feeling that me and your mum have been failing in giving you the tools so you can support your own emotional intelligence and emotional development. I hope I can do better. But let’s explore here both the impact and options all of us when dealing with our feelings.

When you feel those feelings, you most often let them rule over the actions that follow, which becomes particularly notable when something upsets you or makes you sad. But you should know, it doesn’t have to be that way.

It doesn’t have to be that way, because between feeling and acting, there’s a tiny space. A tiny space that, as you grow, I hope you get proficient at making use of.

It’s in this tiny space that all of us have the opportunity to introduce who we want to be, who we decide we are and impact we wish to have on others around us.

The way we react can be thought of as our lower self. It’s who we are when we are mindlessly going through life, when are not deliberate in our actions. But in that tiny space, there’s an opportunity we all must learn to take. It’s the opportunity to be mindful. A tiny space of deliberate action and responses, where we can put our philosophy in action.

Those of us who do so (or strive to do so consistently, but nonetheless sometimes fail) tend to do better for ourselves and for those around us, the ones we love and wish to serve.

This happens because in that tiny space, we give ourselves the opportunity to not only think of our immediate needs and wants, but use it to also consider how our traction can affect those around us. If it will make them sad, upset or unhappy. In that tiny space, we can realise our actions aren’t just our own as they affect those around us too. We can consider if it will be a good example of appropriate and mindful action (you’re not just you, Rafael. You’re a son, and a big brother and both of those come with increasing responsibilities as you grow older), or of will set a bad precedent or escalate fights or arguments with those around you.

I myself often struggle with making use of that tiny space, and something I’ll have to keep working on through my life, but I’m also sure that you’ll recognise my periodic use of it. And I try to do it, because I love you and our family and I understand the impact of me not doing it in how you and your sister can grow up to be emotionally intelligent adults (or not).

Rafael, try to catch yourself when you’re about to give in to immediate reactions and give yourself the blessing of that tiny space, the space of thoughtfulness and consideration of impact of what we do on others so you can act in accordance with who you want to be, who you decide you’ll be.

On Self-discipline: it's a personal choice, not something we can impose on others

 Hi Rafael,

It's been a few years since I blogged here. Been some busy years, including changing countries, depression and trying to find myself back again. A lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same, but I've now re-found philosophy in my life and wish to continue where I left off.

And what better way to start again, than with telling you about my own struggles. Particularly, with regards to self-discipline. Certainly something I've been hyper-focused for over 6 months now. again, as I was back when I wrote periodically on this blog, but that in between I lost on myself.

I can't know the type of man you'll grow up to be. That's up to you and how you perceive your context. and your circumstances. But in being your father, I realise I'm often not fair to you. Because Self-discipline is just that, Self. The queue is in the name. I can demand that from myself, and I should, but I need to be more compassionate, kind and understanding. I don't do this out of a want to be hard on you, but because I. see your. potential and would love to see you flourish into a disciplined man.

But here's the problem, one can only be strict with oneself. It's not up to me to enforce it on you. All I can hope is that my own self-discipline may inspire you to do the same, and to be tolerant of how you, your sister and your mum choose to live your own lives.

This is my struggle, but one as old as humans.

Cato (the philosopher) knew this. He said "I am prepared to forgive everyone's mistakes but my own"

Ben Franklin knew this. He. said "Search others. for their virtues, thyself for tthy vices"

Marcus Aurelius (the philosopher king) knew this. He said "Be tolerant with others, and strict with yourself"

I need to remind of what these great men said, and I need to embody these values more. That's on me. Just know that I often don't live up these ideals, not because I'm mean, but that it comes from a place of love and wanting the best for you. I apologise for my transgressions and promise I'll keep working on improving this within me.

And I must do it, for many different reasons. Not only to ensure I don't get to regret the impact it could have on our relationship, but also because taking care of my own self-discipline is hard enough work.

As Ryan Holiday (Stoic author) writes:

"The only person you get to be hard on is you. It will take every ounce of your self-control to enforce that, and not because it's hard to be hard on yourself, but because it's so hard to let other people get away with things you'd never allow on yourself"

This is true, and hits like a ton of bricks. Trying t o escape my own faults, will take more than a lifetime will allow me, so that's what I must focus on. 

Maybe one day, if you decide to become a parent, you'll understand better where I'm coming from, and the reasons for my behaviour. Or maybe you'll be a better man than me, and from day one, you'll be way more compassionate and understanding than I am. I can only hope for that to be the case.

In the meantime, I'll be working on my self-discipline, and. hoping that what I show you day in and day one may one day inspire to choose for yourself to live a life of self-discipline. Because those who do, always live lives worth living and legacy's they can be proud of.