On being kind to yourself

 Since you were born, that one of your strongest personality traits has been your kindness. That has always come up in everything you do and how you deal and behave with others. Even with some of your autism traits, you often get triggered by the lack of kindness of others, but if directed at you or at anyone around you. You always get upset when see unkindness around, and one of the many reasons why you’re a wonderful and lovely boy.

Having said that, you do not extend that same grace to yourself, and you deserve that from you. Because we both know, that if you saw other people talking to you or your friends with the words and tone you so often speak to yourself, you wouldn’t have it. More, you would intervene and stand up for others and remind them that that’s not ok. That they weren’t being kind.

And this is something I’ve also struggled with most of my life. Even my study of Philosophy and Stoicism, made it worse and not better. Epictetus said “be content to appear foolish or stupid to externals… but demand much of yourself”. Seneca said “let us be more just with others and more severe with ourselves”. Augustine of Hippo said “Be severe with your own sins, gentle with the sins of others”. And for years, I did exactly what you do, so I get it. It wasn’t until past my 40s, that I started being kind to myself and not consider a lack of elite level performance in all areas of my life (work, fitness, jiu jitsu, parenting, marriage) as if I’m somehow lacking. As if somehow, I’m just lazy and not working hard enough, not being disciplined enough, not being good enough for others around me. Because that will never happen. We are born and die as incomplete products , and that’s a good thing. It means we had standards, it means we kept trying to improve until our last breath and it means we kept working on ourselves and how we show up for others.

But that shouldn’t be done at the expense of your unkind self talk. That shouldn’t be done or achieved by being a tyrant to yourself, by being so critical that we didn’t perform as we hoped or expected that we just quit. As Ryan Holiday mentions on one of his books “If your standards are so high, that you give up when you fall short of them then you don’t actually have high standards. What you have are excuses” 

So, please, be kind to yourself. Know we’re always incomplete, there’s always more that we can do, and using that as something to be violent and u kind to ourselves is unnecessary, counter productive and makes living inside our heads a dark and violent place to be. Be kind to yourself, because you’re kind to others and you deserve more from you. You deserve for you and from you what you demand of the world around you.

On the compounding interest of small wins

 The last post focused n dealing with setbacks. This one deals with the small wins towards our goals. Both are related, but different. Anything we may want to achieve or get to, tends to take time and not be immediate. And truth is, progress is never as fast as we’d hope it to be.

So we’re presented with a choice when we stall or make less progress than we’d like or than we’ve set ourselves as target. We can choose to be unkind to ourselves and beat ourselves by, once again, not having done enough or we can just acknowledge that progress was little or none and be happy that you’re still in the race and you get to keep going.

Because goals shouldn’t be numerical and where most of us get it wrong. It’s not about having X weight by Y date, or running A distance in B time. Those goals often set us to fail, unless you’re a high end or elite athlete, that’s the wrong way to set goals. Because it increases the likelihood that setbacks will bring us down, and makes it almost impossible to celebrate the small wins we get through the process.

So stalling or slow progress is a good thing and you should celebrate it. Because even if the scale isn’t moving or the results are just close enough to what you wanted, what you’re really building is your character. As long as you know that your deeds, your habits and your routine is generally aligned with what you know you ought to do to achieve those goals, that’s what matters. That’s what dictates that it’s inevitable that you’ll achieve them, independent of it taking a few more months than you originally planned.

So, Rafael, learn how to celebrate the small wins and not beat yourself up when you come just a bit short, because we all do and that’s fine. What’s important is that you set a goal and aligned your actions to achieve them, that’s the win. That’s how you define who you want to be and should celebrate that you’re being deliberate about becoming it. The score is what it is, looking at the scoreboard and wallowing won’t change the numbers. Be happy and congratulate yourself that you’re still in the game. All those small wins are helping become who you’ll be and in itself is winning

On the value of setbacks

 Setbacks don’t feel good. Let’s start by acknowledging that. When we’re actively working towards something, towards getting better at something, and we suddenly hit a wall or situation that stops us from being able to continue to practice or do the things we know will get us closer to our goals or closer to the performance we want to have on something we care about.

So, at face value, setbacks are bad things because they seem to impede progress. But there’s tremendous value in those setbacks, and setbacks are immensely valuable learning tools if we just learn to re-frame them as such.

There are 2 main sources of value for setbacks:

• they tell us where we’re weak - knowing where we’re lacking and weak is immensely useful information. Because it gives us an opportunity to focus efforts on making it better. It gives us the feedback we need to to re-define our training or approach to specifically focus on those areas in service of long term progression and mastery, ensuring we keep balanced
• They force us to practice patience - when we have setbacks, we know our progress will stall or be delayed. So that forces us to be patient, to acknowledge that our main goals will take longer to reach because we found a bump in the road that we must clear before we can continue our journey at the speed we were before. To know that “our day” is still going to come, because we’re assuring it through discipline and habit, but it won’t be coming today or tomorrow

As example, I’m coming back to jiu jitsu training after a long time being out. And coming back, within the first week had a bad injury on my shin. Yes, I wallowed and felt sorry for myself for a day or two, I’m just human like everyone else. But then I saw it for what it was. It was feedback of where I’m weak and that’s useful. So for over a month I’ve been focusing on daily, slow and steady training of my shin, ankles and feet and I’m now much stronger there which is now allowing me to focus again on the jiu jitsu performance and not on other limiting factors. And now, another training incident has shown me I’m weak in my oblique abs. So the work starts again. And as I go, other weak areas will present themselves, and I get the opportunity to become stronger. And I also get the opportunity to practice patience, knowing that setbacks are part of progress and I should both expect them and have a strategy to deal with them.

So, Rafael, know that setbacks are an integral part of progress. It’s how life works, and they  will happen and keep happening to you, as they do to all of us. They’re not bad or wrong, they’re just obstacles that stand in the way so they become the way (as Marcus Aurelius, the Philosoher King said). Deciding in advance how you’ll deal with setbacks, will make you happier and more fulfilled individual that can handle whatever life throws at you, and that’s a good goal to have that will make life happier to live. 

On Motivation: fleeting fuel that never lasts

 Being and feeling motivated is amazing. When we are, doing hard work or active things that get us closer to the goals w set for ourselves or closer to things we want, feels so much easier and pleasurable and that feels amazing.

Given the choice or opportunity, being motivated towards something is certainly what we should strive for and anything we can do to get and keep motivation high, is effort well spent.

However, most things worth pursuing in life, aren't things you achieve in a week, or a month or even a year. and the longer the timespans it can take to reach them, the less we can reliably rely on motivation as fuel for the fire that keep the engines running towards our goals.

Because reality and the real world teaches all of us something. We're only human, and all humans experience the following:

• some days, we'll be hungry or tired
• some days, we'll feel angry and lonely
• some days, even some weeks or months, we won't see consistent improvements (because improvement is never consistent) and we'll wonder what's the point at all of putting in effort
• some days, other things will be on our minds, and we'll second guess ourselves and just want to stay on the couch watching random videos and wanting to be left alone

All those types of days conspire against us and our goals and our will power, and when doubt sets in (which it will and does for all of us), "Mr. Ugly" will make us take the easy way out and give us permission to stop pursuing our dreams and goals, to stop believing in ourselves and that we're even deserving of achieving what we want.

So while motivation is a nice-to-have that we should take advantage of if we can, it's unreliable. Motivation has no predictive value of outcomes.

So, Rafael, do try to keep your motivation whenever you can, but know that achieving anything in life will be down to your discipline and your habits, not your motivation as that's fleeting fuel. It's discipline and habits that make it INEVITABLE that you'll one day reach your goals (independent of it taking a month or a year or even longer, because life gets in the way for all of us). Showing up, when you don't want to, when you're tired, when it's kicking your ass, when you can just sit down and chill, is how we achieve what we said we would. and it's what we and those we care about deserve from us and what we deserve from ourselves.

On the Word and the Deed

 And this was another year where I didn't post much, but now in 2026 I want to get back to doing it on a more regular basis, and interestingly this aligns well with the title of this post.

As we're starting a new year, a common thing people do is set goals and they have usually been thinking about them since early December at least, and talking about how much they'll change and do going into 2026. We also know that, generally, by the time February comes along most have forgotten all about it or decided that it's too hard. nowhere is this more prominent than in health and fat loss related goals,  but applies equally to everything else.

So, let's get into the actual message I wanted to write about today, which mixes theology and philosophy.

In the Christian Bible, specifically, John 1:1, we read "In the beginning was the Word" (Logos in Greek). Goethe, a German philosopher who lived between 1749 and 1832, wrote a play / dramatic poem called "Faust" in which he interprets John 1:1 in light of his Philosophy (post-Enlightenment, often called Romanticism) in which Faust says "No, at first there was the Deed". And especially today, in our world of distractions, content consumption and living through our devices, this is a particularly important thing to take note of, Rafael.

What Goethe did (long before Nietzsche "killed God") was set us up for a post-God world, where the Word (which John means to tie this story from the Creation to Jesus being made in flesh) is not what comes first, the Deed is. He does this for a few different reasons. Word is too abstract, meaning / thought is too inward (happening in our own heads), power is just potential for action and not action itself. Deed is where it's real, living, transformative.

// "Truth is not in saying or thinking, but in doing" // "Reality begins not with saying or knowing - but with acting //

He replaces divine authority, with human striving. 

But the problem with our world today, is that we talk too much and do too little. And it's easy for our brains to mistake Word with Deed, because when we talk about it FEELS real. It FEELS as if we've done something, as if we've started our paths to becoming something we wish to have or someone we wish to be as part of that human striving. This is usually done in pursuit of happiness ("I want and have a vision of a bright future") or in avoidance of pain ("I'm tired of feeling lonely / fat / unhealthy / poor").

The lesson here is that Words are fleeting, non-committal and lull us into a sense of achievement when there's none. When it's all Word and no Deed. And it's also worse than that, because the more that happens the less we trust in ourselves and our ability to change, improve and strive because if every year we say we're going to do it, and then we never do, it gradually builds doubt that we can actually do it, which is exacerbated by the fact that the Word is SOCIAL in nature. You say / told other people you'd do it, so now you feel ashamed when you don't because your words are now not meeting your actions, and it's out there for everyone to see and judge.

Seneca, a Stoic philosopher, put it best about 2000 years before Goethe. "The fool is always getting ready to live". Instead of living, of being, they're using the Word about how they're getting ready to a tomorrow that, often, never comes.

So the lesson here, is that the order matters. Do not start with the Word, start with the Deed. Start first by showing yourself, in yourself and by yourself, that you're choosing actions which are consistent with your goals. And after you started down that path, after your brain and your body knows that you're one of action, then you use the Word if you feel you must. Do the little things that add up, show yourself your commitment to improve and change what you decide needs changing and improving. Leave the Words for the others, after they see your Deeds and wonder why you have what they don't.

On Healing: First you have to face it

 It’s been a long time since I last wrote for you, Rafael. Many reasons for that, between new job (reaching the top of my career as a security professional) and everyone in our house struggling with their own mental health. It’s been tough, namely in the  last year. But I think I’m finally starting to heal (with help) and I want you to know about it. Because if there’s something I’ve never been good at (not with myself, family, friends or anyone else) is to show my own vulnerabilities but it’s high time I do so or I’ll never heal. So I can be the best me, for you, your sister and your mum.

Actually, scratch that. Because that’s exactly why I never got to heal. I’ve always obsessed so much of being my best me for my family, my teams and companies I work for that I never prioritised ME and what I need. I’m human too, and sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I forget that everyone else’s problems are not my crosses to bear, they’re theirs. And I deserve more from me.

I’ve blogged before how my childhood was hard and how I had to endure things I shouldn’t have had to and dealing with things which weren’t mine to deal with. My father’s addictions, my mother’s mental health demons. And as it turned out, I’ve inherited both and they’re now mine to deal with too.

And now, at 40 years old, I’ve had a lifetime of avoiding my own healing needs, but no more. And as both you and your mum deal with your own issues, including your autism diagnosis that leaves you amplifying what happens around you, plus my own struggles with work-life balance, all combined has been overwhelming me. So I started going to therapy too, so I can heal a lifetime of repressing my feelings and emotions by focusing all my energy and waking hours on everyone else’s needs and struggles.

But I can’t do that anymore. I’ve lost the ability to keep them in, and that’s a good thing. No choice but to face them, and face them I will. And it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I never felt so afraid, because I don’t know who I’ll be on the other side of healing.

I’ve been telling myself for over 20 years that what didn’t kill me made me stronger (as the saying goes) but that’s not true. What didn’t kill me, left parts of me broken. It’s the healing from broken that makes one stronger, and I never allowed myself that and I had never acknowledged I needed healing. And being broken shouldn’t be a badge of honour. 

I need better coping skills, I need to voice my struggles and emotions and feelings and let my demons out into the world so I can look at them and dance with them. And I think this is my first breakthrough within myself. I’m indivisible from my demons. They’re part of me. I am them and they are me. So if I set the goal, as many do, as to slay my demons, I’m setting myself up to fail from the start. 

So if I can’t slay them, then I need to learn to dance with them and grab their hands, invite them to the journey of my life and give them a seat at the table, next to me and not as the shadow I refuse to look at. But I also need to set boundaries. Just because they’re along for the ride, doesn’t mean they get to be at the driving seat and I can’t let them guide me.

So, Rafael, this was about me but, I suspect, also about you. I think (and hope I’m wrong) that you’ll spend your life feeling different from your peers, like I did. That you’ll struggle with feeling inadequate or insufficient and I apologise as I know that sometimes I contribute to that and I hate knowing I do and I can only promise I’ll try my best to be better than that.

So I hope that, as both of us continue with our respective struggles and therapy, that we get better coping skills and that we both become better dancers. We both owe it to ourselves, first and foremost. I love you, son. And hope we both learn to dance

On showing up: the super power that never was

 This one is something I used to be really good at, then lost myself, but now and for the past 4/5 months. have been. finding it again and getting the results it it promises.

Both me and you, Rafael, struggle with. not being good enough at things. we'd really like to be good at.

We both share this (often) frustration in jiu jitsu, for instance.

We'd like to perform better, be more athletic, retain our knowledge and application of perfect technique much better, not just in training but also in sparring.

The problem we often have, is that of not putting in consistent effort, every single day, on things that could help improve our game. And so every time we have a bad training session, when we don't perform at the level we'd want to or think we should be performing, we get upset and impatient and feel like quitting. Like, no matter how hard we try,  that we'll always be lacking.

But those are exactly the days we should push ourselves, as those are also where progress is being done. We're finding all the ways that don't work, and that valuable.

As Danaher says "most people overestimate how much progress one can realistically make in 6 months and underestimate how much progress one can or could do in 5 years", if we'd just be consistent and did at least a tiny thing every single day.

Showing. up, consistently, whether one feels like it or not, is a super power that isn't.

Because it's not about being the best every day nor about really pushing yourself everyday, which can lead to burnout and injury. It's instead about consistency and showing up everyday, putting some level of effort even when, or especially when, we'd just like to quit.

Rafael, this isn't just about jiu jitsu. This is about life. This is about your struggles with your body image and your weight, and mine too as that's something else we also share. Consistent action is a super power that doesn't take genius or any special talent to attain. All it takes is a DECISION to endure, and I hope you take on the things you choose to become good at