On Fortune: ask no favours

Fortune is seen in ancient philosophy as being a fickle mistress. One day, it comes to you, and all is well. Things go your way. the stars align and open a path that would otherwise be shut or difficult to walk. You get used to its good winds, leading you somewhere nice and pleasant and you remain content.

But then, the good winds turn into storms. When Fortune leaves you, seemingly unrelated things start going wrong, and all seems so much more difficult than you expected and believe it has to be. These storms make it difficult to navigate your path, urgencies and emergencies take away your focus and you end up expecting only the storms.

But reliance on Fortune is always ill advised, because it's not something within your control. Nothing you do or have ability to directly influence will affect how Fortune descends or not upon you, so there's no benefit in forming an opinion of how Fortune affects you. It just is what it is.

Marcus Aurelius put it best.  "Fortune, I have nothing to do with you. I am not at your service. I know that men like Cato are spurned by you, and men like Vatinius made by you. I ask no favours"

How empowering this sentence is. He starts by distancing himself from being at the service of Fortune, implying that he doesn't make decisions based on how Fortune descends upon him but that he knows what he wants and will keep doing the work independently of how much Fortune helps clearing the path.

He then mentions the two extremes in ways one can deal with the impact of Fortune in our lives. We can either spurn it, rejecting its benefits and disdaining its presence like Cato. Or we can let ourselves be made by it, implying that conditions made themselves favourable to us and we just took advantage of these external circumstances, live Vatinius. None of these two options are particularly helpful.

Finally, he ends it with "I ask no favours". This tells us that Marcus Aurelius valued more his ability to know what needs to be done and put in the work to achieve it, rather than wish that his Fortune was different and that things somehow could be made easier for him, and this is the real lesson I believe from this.

So too, Rafael, I would urge you to live the same way. The winds of Fortune come and go, and you can't rely on them to ensure you reach your destination. Sometimes they'll blow for you, sometimes against you and there's nothing you can do about it or anything in your power to influence either scope or strength of Fortune.

But if you distance yourself from it by asking for no favours, Fortune has nothing on you. It can try and blow you in any direction, but you've made the commitment not to rely on it to achieve your objectives. You own your results, and realize the conditions to achieve them will change, will at times be favourable and at times adverse, but you commit to see it like it is and adapt to any changing conditions. Again, you make adjustments and not excuses. And when you do get or achieve what you had in your heart and mind to do, you'll know you've asked for no favours, from Fortune or elsewhere, and that your results in life are a result of what you put in to it. You've asked for no favours, and instead decided to ride the winds of Fortune as they presented themselves to you.

Nothing puts you in the driver seat of your own life more than knowing you expect no help from Fortune to be who and what you wish to be or achieve.

On Choices: you’re constantly choosing

Most people would refer to choices as being the exercise of establishing a direction to deal with a certain issue at hand. It may be choosing to lose body fat, to deal with the issue of not enjoying how we currently look, for instance.

With this choice then, would come a certain expectation of behaviours that need to be adhered to in order to support that same choice. In the previous example, that would be choosing the courgette over the spaghetti for example. This is definitely an important practice to set direction and ensure we’re aiming for what we chose to be important.

But this is not the only type of choice you’re exercising and in order to perform full awareness and ownership of the daily small choices that align with the goals set on the big choices, consider that some choices will generate negative equity.

Going back to our previous example of fat loss, this would materialize when you go to an ice cream stand and get the biggest and baddest of them all. In this situation, you’re not just choosing to have an ice cream. You’re also choosing yourself out of choosing the silhouette you said you wanted. If about training and you decide not to go, you’re choosing to become weak. If about not studying, you’re choosing to have bad grades.

Thinking about choices and the negative equity they can bring to other things you said you wanted, is the best practice to ensure you’re accountable to yourself, that you’re fully aware of the consequences of what you choose and what’s getting affected or not getting done as a direct result of them.

On time: the limiting factor

We all have the same 24 hours in a day to work with. 86400 seconds that starts a new budget afresh every single day for the duration of our natural lives. As with any other budget, and for us as masters of our own lives, we need to make the executive decision on what we want to spend it on.

What I mean by this is that a more important question than “what do you want?” that is more clearly associated with exercising choice, is the question “what are you choosing yourself out of?”. This is a tactic I like to use because it allows me to prioritize and ensure that at least I’m not lying to myself. The simplest example would be “I’m choosing to play games on my console” would be the answer to the first question, when the answer to second one would be “I’m also choosing not to have as good a grade on my coming exam, as there’s more effort I could’ve applied in studying if I hadn’t chosen to play videogames”. 

The small decisions you make everyday about how you spend your time, uses capacity that you’d use elsewhere if you were considering that time is the limiting factor. 

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t play. I’m dull enough not to want that for my child J but don’t lie to yourself either about how you spend your time and whenever you feel you’re not where you’d like to be, that there are things you’d like to get better at or skills and capabilities you need to work at, look out for the time wasters because that’s where you’ll tread the road from good, to great to phenomenal.

Don’t waste time. There’s no time to be weak. We’re all with the clock going against us, and every day lost is eating away at our goals and dreams and taking the better version of us away from serving our loved ones. They deserve the best of us. You and your mom deserve the best version of me, so I can’t relent, I can’t rest and I can’t stop dreaming if I’m to be who I said I’d be, who I promised I’d be.

Live with a sense of urgency, because time will always be the limiting factor.

On ownership: own your praises but also your mistakes

Owning praises doesn't come very natural to me. In my mind I know I've worked hard to achieve objectives and the part I played in it, but I kind of don’t know how to react when I receive praises. For me, I just did what had to be done and was in front of me and within my authority, knowledge and ability to do.

But knowing how to react with others when praised is a good skill to have whilst avoiding cockiness, especially for goals that aren't achieved in isolation which almost none are. Use it as further motivation to keep working. But this is usually the easy part, owning praises…

The lack of ownership of mistakes in our society is generally appalling. The moment there’s a need to own a mistake, most have a bunch of excuses lined up to justify everything that everyone else didn't do, everything else that didn't happen or other random types of misfortune.

Don’t do that. Never do that. Owning mistakes is a characteristic of a strong, confident  and mature person that is ready to learn and ensure they don’t happen again. If you need to apologize, so be it. As soon as a mistake happens that you know will affect someone, address it immediately.

Let them know what happened, apologize, learn to make sure it doesn't happen again and move on with your life. But don’t obscure it, don’t deny or justify it. If you know it was within your ability and knowledge to address it and you didn't, just assume the mistake and carry on.

It’s not about feeling good inside. Personally, I really like to avoid having to do it, but when I need to, I do. I’m less concerned about people knowing I made a mistake, than I am to ensure the memory of the event is imprinted in my memory along with those feelings so I have a better chance of not making it again in the future.

And lastly, it’s also about the respect you get from behaving this way. Owning your mistakes promotes the establishment of trust and respect, especially because it’s so scarce. When most of the world default to pointing fingers at everything at everyone, and someone comes along that practices and preaches extreme ownership on everything that happens to itself, you’ll be miles ahead of any possible competition.

What is scarce is always valuable. Remember this.

On Crisis – never let a good one go to waste

A great many things will happen in your life that your initial response may be that of a crisis. By crisis, I mean a season however long that you’ll that you’ll find difficult to deal with or feel under danger, or even when you have what you may consider as a very important decision in your life.

That’s normal and ends up happening to us all, even to me who am known for coping well with them.

But these seasons, the winters in life, are there for a reason. They’re a natural part of being human and everyone on the planet has to deal with them. These are seasons that if faced with an enquiring mind ready to learn, can generate the biggest growth and maturing. Growth that you wouldn’t be able to tap into if everything went well.

The benefits can come from the experience, but it’s also important to consider that we shouldn’t let repeat instances of the same crisis. Take the teachings and ensure you’re better prepared for the situation if it happens, and better yet ensure you don’t ever have to deal with situation again.

Historically, us humans aren’t very good at this. We tend to hit the same road blocks over and over again and not really learn much from the struggle, but aim to ensure that isn’t you.

 The other hidden benefit of a crisis is in its ability to increase our threshold for entropy from the world, the threshold of our minds. By putting yourself through struggles and crisis situations, and aiming to be calm and relaxed when they happen, you increase the amount of pressure it takes to break you and that’s invaluable for anything you may be and aim for in life.

There’s growth and good things at the end of the bad seasons in life, so receiving them with an open mind and heart will allow you to be better prepared to face what life may throw at you and put you in a state of mind that is synergistic with problem solving and character building.

Take life as it comes, Rafael.

Lessons in Music - SOJA - Faith Works

Music has always been such a great part of my life, that I decided to start a new type of post to do every once in a while about lessons I learnt from certain songs. I believe the music we hear has transformative power, evidenced by the fact we can stay for more than 10 years without hearing a song and when it starts we suddenly remember the whole lyrics. They stay with us, they shape us, they helped make us who we are today. I can certainly relate songs to feelings, particular episodes or seasons in life and can even see how the genres I favored over the years have shaped me to deal with a situation or even making it harder to end downward spirals.

For those who know me, know this section will mostly be filled with metal music moving forward, but had to start with one of the songs I most listen to and that helped me decide what I want to focus on in my life and also what it takes to succeed on any measure of success.

Faith, works and unconditional love -
No bad mind, no hatred, no envy and no grudge.
Babylon destroy, your minds they want to corrupt,
But InI have got to reach the higher heights up above.

The chorus, and that first sentence are words I constantly remind myself of. Faith, works and unconditional love. That’s it. That’s the recipe for a great life. A life of service, accomplishment and unions.

Things will never be the same,
Old doors close, new doors opening.
The life we led in the past, we've got to rearrange;
People treat life as it is a game.
Work hard to change the people's mentality,
The way the world is going now, it's insanity.
Live the life you love and don't go on so greedy,
Help the children to grow up and things will change speedily with

This verse reminds me that change is the only constant, and that we must adapt to new circumstances but also not forget to help others as we come across and they want our help

Hit the street and give a hand to
those you meet who need your speech to
lift their feet to rise and drag them
selves from the mud.
Be discreet so you won't ever meet defeat
for Jah will seat we won't retreat
and Babylon can't come out on top.
Faith without works that is death,
when you work you breathe hard so
InI give thanks for every breath.
I only fear is Jah judgment.
Try your best to live upright so that you don't
end up in hell with.

This verse’s most important point to me is “Faith without works that is death”. Just having faith without the necessary willingness to do the work, is the death of greatness. Help those close to you and that matter to you.

If a hawk can fly and show it's love
with songs of praise and giving thanks
along 395's polluted 10-lane highways -
And if a man like twice your age
can clean your house for minimum wage
and still somehow greet life with a big smile on his face...
Then why can't we just show respect
for all things with no neglect and realize
that love it is the only way?
Then why can't we accept the fact we're lucky,
we need to give back - we're foolish for not
humbling ourselves every day with 

This verse reminds me to be humble and thankful for everything I have. There’s so many people out there who have it way harder than me, who am I to complain ? What have I really endured compared to what so many have before and currently ? Greet life with a big smile.

On “Mr. Ugly”: Put him where he belongs

There’s a concept used by many different authors, all giving them a different name, that I like to use myself. I like to call it “Mr. Ugly” as the Ultimate Warrior (a WWE wrestling star from my childhood) used to, as I believe it puts a great perspective. Some may call it the Devil, daemon or even the Terminator (Oliver Stark reference), or “the resistance” as Seth Godin refers to it in “Linchpin”.

Whatever you call it, you’re giving a name and form to that voice we all have inside our heads that is an on-going effort to sabotage our goals and efforts. It’s the voice telling you to eat chocolate cake when you’re losing or closely watching your weight. It’s the voice telling you you’re not good enough to do and achieve something you yearn for. It’s the voice telling you that it’s too hard and not worth it, and that you’re better off sitting on your bum instead of putting in the hard work to be successful.

I’ve struggled myself, and still do, with Mr. Ugly a lot.

Maybe because I overcame so many different things in life, my Mr. Ugly has way too much ammo and knowledge on me so he can easily remind me of that it’s ok to overeat, ok not to train, ok not to be relentless in my pursuit of being the best man and father I can aspire to be. Most men are weak after all.

And what’s dangerous about Mr. Ugly, is he never goes away. It’s the little voice that second guesses your decisions. It’s the voice saying you can rest today, you always have tomorrow or the day after. It’s the voice that tells you don’t need to live with a sense of urgency. Basically, it’s bullshit and those who permanently succumb to Mr. Ugly cannot expect to improve on the long run. It’s making excuses, and not adjustments. Rationalizing weak behaviour and patting yourself on the back for a job half or not done. The reason why I like to call him Mr. Ugly is because when he comes and when he takes over and I myself exhibit weak behaviour, I know that he’s pushing me away from my dreams and I’m doing things that make me Ugly, because that’s who I am and how I look when I’m not relentlessly pursuing my dreams and succumbing to the things that make me weak.

Living with a strong Mr. Ugly isn’t easy (I can attest to that), but there are things you can do to shut him down and control that voice. I have 3 suggestions on how to deal with Mr. Ugly.

Realize he has valid and relevant concerns

He knows the pains you have inside, the unfinished business you won’t even mutter to another soul, and that’s what gives him his power. He knows all your failures and about every time you fell, even the ones you’d rather not admit to yourself. So don’t just dismiss what he’s telling you, because if it stirs you up inside, it’s relevant to your being. This implies you need to face it.

Know that he’s about fear and doubt, and both are personal choices

We are what we choose to focus on, and fear and doubt will probably always be there. Even world class relentless people have their own fears and doubts, and sometimes even a sense of inadequacy. Feeling the fear is not the problem, the problem is when you choose to do nothing about it. You need to learn to feel the fear and doubt, but just do it anyway. You need to aim to be comfortable being uncomfortable with fear and doubt. Choose to adjust.

Focus on the next task, stop dealing with all possible problems at once

When Mr. Ugly starts he has a tendency not to stop, and you may end up spiralling in a sea of potential problems and issues that only add to each other and may even paralyze you. When this happens, the best strategy is to forget about all of that and focus on the next task at hand only and whatever problems you may have to deal with to do that task. This breaks complex things into small measurable chunks which makes it feasible to expect success, and the forward momentum you get will shut Mr. Ugly, at least for some time before he chimes back in which will happen.

Rafael, we all live with Mr. Ugly. He lives within all of us, so don’t wish for him to go away because that’s probably not up to you. But know that he’ll keep you from doing anything productive if he can, he’ll plant the seeds of doubt and fear as much as he can because he can only focus on avoiding potential disappointment, which implies that if you let him he’s going to stir you away from achievement because success is never guaranteed. So put him where he belongs. As a trusted advisor on what you’re afraid of, on the things that get you off your game and force you in negative spirals of inactivity and second guessing. 

Knowing where you’re weak is the greatest benefit of having Mr. Ugly, so never let that go to waste and never dismiss him but likewise do not allow him to take over. Your goals and dreams have to be the ones in charge.

On Consistency: What you expect from yourself day in, day out

In this world, everyone is capable of producing effort. It’s the one thing that is 100% under our own control at all times. Results are different though, because depending on your level of skill you may or may not be achieving a certain goal. Effort won’t always translate into a desirable result, as there are other things that can affect it or be affected by it.

So whether you’re where you wish to be from a results perspective or not is somewhat irrelevant, as the process is more important than the outcome. Always.

Most people when applying effort, they do so for too specific a motive and that’s damaging. Eric Thomas calls them “goal grinders”, and what he means is that people get a particular goal in mind like “losing weight”, “get a degree” and they apply the effort required to meet that goal (better or worse), but as soon as they get there they stop applying this effort and go back to cruise mode where effort is inconsistent, unguided and expectation for results should be minimal.

Then you have the “life grinders”. People who love the grind for the grind itself. People that trust the process and know it’s that consistency of effort that puts them in a league of their own. Homeostasis in regards to human achievement is bullshit. You’re either moving forward and getting better, or you’re moving backwards and losing skills and proficiency. This I believe.

These are the stars, the geniuses, the high achievers we get to know in each field of expertise. And for the most, we do these life grinders such a disservice. We assume they’re talented because of the results we see them perform, but have no appreciation for the level of consistency they put in, day in and day out, that allows them to perform at such high levels. Michael Jordan, one of the greatest of all times, put it best in his “I’m sorry” speech everyone should hear.

This is not talent, and even if talent was to be confirmed as the main source of advantage, it’s insulting to attribute results to talent when they wake up every morning and work on their craft, when the competition stays in bed until 8am and you’re waking up at 5am and putting in the work whilst everyone else is asleep, when you say out of your mouth where you want to be in 10 years time and you wake up every morning and work on it.

Goal grinding is a good approach for transient goals. For things you’d like to have or be or do. But part of living the process is knowing that effort must be consistent if it is to be ingrained in who you are, and that comes with time and experience. There are no substitutes.

Life grinding is where you want to be, because when you physically can’t exist without producing effort, the universe conspires with you. When consistently working on something is part of your life, when you get to the point where you feel useless if you’re not actively learning and improving on a daily basis, year after year, results are inevitable. When all this falls in place, you get to claim you’re obsessed with improvement and when that happens, you become so proficient that NO ONE can come into your field of expertise and dominate you.

Greatness becomes only a matter of time, and greatness can’t be rushed. Always aim to be the hardest worker in the room, Rafael, and know that most people choose the pain of regret (getting to end of life unhappy with what they’ve done and achieved) over the pain of discipline, which is the embodiment of consistent effort and is the one common trait among all the greats that came before us.

On Mortality: everyone will shut their eyes

From the minute we’re born, there’s but one thing that binds us together as a species. We will eventually die. This is the one thing that will come to all of us, independent of race, creed or location. Everything in Nature eventually dies, so it would be unnatural if we didn't.

But as much as we’re all used to death being near and around us, either by watching the news or having close ones die, us humans still struggle with acceptance of it and the closer that person is to us, the more we’ll struggle.

Marcus Aurelius said “It is time to realize that you are a member of the Universe, that you are born of Nature itself, and to know that a limit has been set to your time.”

But what is it with death that we have such a hard time accepting? I think it comes from two different places: selfishness and fear of change.

Selfishness, in this context, will be closely related to love. When we love someone, we wish that that person will stay with us until WE are gone as we don’t want to imagine having to live without that presence or support. It comes from not being whole without something external to us, and our wish that Nature worked in different ways just for ourselves. It doesn't.

Fear of change, in that we grow accustomed to certain presences and rely on them for our own internal well-being, and when something threatens this well-being or even sense of self (the case with direct family), we struggle to accept and make sense of what the world will look like without that presence. “Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature’s delight”

And also, death can come to us at any time, without warning. So we must be prepared to face it. None of the time we have on this planet, is ours. We’re always on borrowed time, and waking up every morning is a gift that should be wisely used. It’s all we have, and the clock for all we do.

I’m not suggesting people shouldn't be allowed to grieve, but that the approach to dealing with the situation that is more beneficial and as effective is to celebrate the life lived instead. Not focusing on the lack of current presence, but focusing on what the legacy is. What was built, the relationships forged, the memories attained or the love expressed. Those are the hallmarks of a lived life, and the memories that are owed to those who lived it, who strived to support and love their families. Not the memory of the downfall, or how hard it was to deal with it but the celebration of what came before the downfall and the impact it had in our own lives.

So, whenever someone close to you dies, even if it’s me Rafael, please don’t be sad for too long. Know that it’s part of life, part of the deal we signed with Nature. And be sure to be whole, to always stay whole within yourself and not to rely on external events for your own mental wellbeing. Be resilient, and know that the best way to deal with loss is to celebrate the life well lived. As your father, it’s my job to ensure that the memories you have of me are ones worth celebrating and that I can hopefully instil in you not only love, but admiration and example of what a strong life is supposed to be.

 And it’s your job, to carry on after I’m gone and my hope that you’ll be able to remember me for the man I chose to be, with flaws as we all have, but as someone that woke up every day and owned his own life and hoping that you decide to live your life to leave a legacy and memories too.