From the minute we’re born, there’s but one thing that binds
us together as a species. We will eventually die. This is the one thing that
will come to all of us, independent of race, creed or location. Everything in
Nature eventually dies, so it would be unnatural if we didn't.
But as much as we’re all used to death being near and around
us, either by watching the news or having close ones die, us humans still
struggle with acceptance of it and the closer that person is to us, the more we’ll
struggle.
Marcus Aurelius said “It is time to realize that you are a
member of the Universe, that you are born of Nature itself, and to know that a
limit has been set to your time.”
But what is it with death that we have such a hard time accepting?
I think it comes from two different places: selfishness and fear of change.
Selfishness, in this context, will be closely related to
love. When we love someone, we wish that that person will stay with us until WE
are gone as we don’t want to imagine having to live without that presence or
support. It comes from not being whole without something external to us, and
our wish that Nature worked in different ways just for ourselves. It doesn't.
Fear of change, in that we grow accustomed to certain
presences and rely on them for our own internal well-being, and when something
threatens this well-being or even sense of self (the case with direct family),
we struggle to accept and make sense of what the world will look like without
that presence. “Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature’s delight”
And also, death can come to us at any time, without warning.
So we must be prepared to face it. None of the time we have on this planet, is
ours. We’re always on borrowed time, and waking up every morning is a gift that
should be wisely used. It’s all we have, and the clock for all we do.
I’m not suggesting people shouldn't be allowed to grieve,
but that the approach to dealing with the situation that is more beneficial and
as effective is to celebrate the life lived instead. Not focusing on the lack
of current presence, but focusing on what the legacy is. What was built, the
relationships forged, the memories attained or the love expressed. Those are
the hallmarks of a lived life, and the memories that are owed to those who
lived it, who strived to support and love their families. Not the memory of the
downfall, or how hard it was to deal with it but the celebration of what came
before the downfall and the impact it had in our own lives.
So, whenever someone close to you dies, even if it’s me
Rafael, please don’t be sad for too long. Know that it’s part of life, part of
the deal we signed with Nature. And be sure to be whole, to always stay whole
within yourself and not to rely on external events for your own mental wellbeing.
Be resilient, and know that the best way to deal with loss is to celebrate the
life well lived. As your father, it’s my job to ensure that the memories you
have of me are ones worth celebrating and that I can hopefully instil in you
not only love, but admiration and example of what a strong life is supposed to
be.
And it’s your job, to carry on after I’m gone and my hope that you’ll be
able to remember me for the man I chose to be, with flaws as we all have, but
as someone that woke up every day and owned his own life and hoping that you
decide to live your life to leave a legacy and memories too.
