On Results: There’s winning and there’s losing

In life, most people tend to focus on results I reckon because of how high perceived results scream. It can be perceived as a “bottom line” regarding what really matters, though personally I’m more interested in the process than the result.

But still, results are a pretty good indication of a number of things and a useful measure. They’re good indication of how relentless you've been in pursuing something, of how you worked through feedback from the world on your craft, and an indication of how long you've been or are willing to fight for.

These labels though, can be grossly misinterpreted and perceptions play a big role, so it’s beneficial to think wider about what winning and losing means and implications of applying those labels.

What I’d like you to understand about results, is that "just because you lost doesn't make you a loser and just because you won it doesn't make you a winner, but know that winners win and losers lose." Eric Thomas

At first those statements may look like they're contradicting each other, but I don’t believe they do they just deal with different aspects of results so let’s look at both parts in more detail.

Just because you lost doesn't make you a loser, because there’s no growth without struggle. Losing is an essential part of life if you’re to build yourself to be resilient and work on feedback from the world around you. Losing just means you've got work to do, you've got gaps and that should drive you to identify and address them. No victim mentality, own your losses or they’ll own you.

Just because you won doesn't make you a winner, because everyone gets lucky sometimes or you may not be setting the bar high enough. A sense of accomplishment is important and a real internal driver, but know there are layers to winning and don’t ever lie to yourself. You can be the best of the good, the great or the phenomenal but know all those are different things. They’re not the same, so don’t treat them the same and always know where you are, always tell yourself the truth of where you really are and who you really are. Don’t pat yourself on the back too much. It achieves nothing for you.

Finally, winners win and losers lose. This statement is not about events or situations, but about culture. And this culture can affect you in many ways, from your house, your school or your group of friends. If you convince yourself you’re a winner or a loser, it will dictate how you approach situations and hardships in your life and is usually the difference between the culture of identifying a problem and working tirelessly until you overcome it (how winning is done) or use it as excuses to stop forward motion and get comfortable with mediocrity and averageness (how losing is done).

So Rafael, what I’d like you to take out of this is that being a winner or a loser is a choice and that hard work is the ultimate gateway to winning because it focuses on the process (which is repeatable) and process builds culture, which leads to sustaining results. Losing is also a choice, and stems from finger pointing and not owning your own problems because it focuses on why you couldn't or wouldn't do something and blaming others, which also builds culture.

So, take life as it happens, avoid interpreting momentary setbacks and situations as contributions to your perception of who you are in the winner-loser scale and ensure you create a culture of winning in everything you do. Not just for you, but for those you love and will one day depend on you too. 

On Judgment: The lens into the world around us

Popular wisdom tells us we shouldn't judge anyone around us, at least we've walked the proverbial mile in their shoes. And as far as advice goes, I don’t have a problem with that.

As a society, it does seem like humans spend more time talking about the celebrities and the gossip, always having an opinion on what and who they are and what they should be doing. That’s weak behaviour. That’s sheep attitude. (A judgement here :))

The main issue with being judgmental is that, when it comes to anyone else but us, you’ll never have the whole picture and there will always be pieces of information missing so whatever one judges, will be incomplete and unreliable so generally speaking it’s an exercise worth avoiding.

To avoid being judgmental, there’s a very simple rule of thumb and it comes down to language used. When you feel the need (hopefully will happen seldom and only with people who you believe will listen to the message and do something about it, as a friendship or love exercise) to “judge”, instead just focus on the facts at hand and avoid altercations of higher significance.

Talk about what you see people do, and the results they apparently get from it as a result of those same behaviours and just leave it at that. No point in doing extrapolations over and above what is fact and observable.

Judgement is like a lens in front of our eyes. When people judge, they see differently. They perceive others in a way that confirms the judgement that was held previously, and they’ll treat other people in ways that will only confirm the judgement. Let’s use an example:

If you judge someone as lazy, and see them sitting for 30 min whilst everyone else is up, you’ll see that as confirmation of your judgement, and not consider the possibility of that person to be tired from bad sleep for a while.

To avoid being judgmental is easy. You just have to know who you are and why you do what you do, and appreciate that others will be their own selves and have their own personal reasons, motivations and fears that make them act and think in a certain way. And that all those reasons, motivations and fears will be as significant to them as yours are to you.

And because we all reap what we sow, there’s no point in judging anyway. We all have in life what we deserve and worked for, based on the person we've been thus far and on how we think. And most people won’t change their thinking, so they’ll never change their world.

 So, Rafael, the advice is to never judge anyone you don’t know, and even if you have the thoughts on your head, share them only with those you love and know will listen and act on it. For every other case, keep your opinions to yourself because they won’t be welcomed and people will resent you when you do.

Also, avoid thinking of yourself from a higher moral ground (I've struggled with this in the past).

We’re all where we should be, and our way of seeing the world isn't necessarily the only right or correct one. And know you are who and how you are because a combination of you were brought up and,  personal experiences with the world around you and mainly the way you think about challenges and adversity so everyone else will have a different model of the world than you do. Their lens will be different so they’ll see and behave differently.

On Limitations: Know your own, reject everyone else’s

I’ve convinced myself many years ago, that anything I don’t know how to do or that I’m not good at, is a consequence of not having made the decision to be good at it. Which I believe is a healthy thing to do, a healthy to look at anything in life as it puts you in the driver seat. It makes you accountable for the skills you have, accountability that comes from the deep understanding that decisions are up to you and no one else.

But even when you do spend yourself mastering any subject or discipline, you need to be self-aware enough to know how good you really are. This is definitely related to ego, which is something one day I’ll write more about.

There are 2 traps with regards to knowing your limitations: self-imposed and externally imposed.

On self-imposed limitations, this is where you convince yourself you’re not good enough or unworthy of being at a level you’d wish or dream of being. This is the worst kind of limitation, because it’s definite and a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s a lazy and weak approach to anything in life, because it doesn’t account for effort and putting in the work, that will ALWAYS give you results. But putting in the work without believing it will make a difference, is just plain stupid so please don’t do that either.

On externally imposed limitations,  it’s where you take other people’s opinions or personal limitations as your own. Where you let yourself immerse in other people’s opinions about your value and worth, and adopt them in your life as the boundaries to what you can achieve. The main reason this is dangerous, is because most people aren’t hard workers so they can’t see it for themselves and will attempt to convince you that you can’t have it either. This one is easily overcome, as you have the power to accept it or not. Up to you, and you alone.

On addressing self-imposed limitations, know that you reap what you sow. Never believe that just because you can’t do it now, that you’re condemned to never achieving it. If it’s important to you, keep playing the game, keep improving, keep measuring it, fall in love with it and see every training session for your goal as removing weakness and ugliness from your body and soul. That’s how you go through the pain of self-discipline, you know deep within you that you’re expelling the bad parts of you with every minute of it.

On addressing externally imposed limitations, just shut it down. Avoid talking about it, unless it’s with like-minded individuals (which hopefully you’ll surround yourself with). Talking about dreams is easy. As Eric Thomas says, “everyone has a dream, but not everybody got the grind”. So say it once to general public, and then shut up and go in the lab and keep working. The key to thinking about externally imposed limitations, is to keep asking yourself “Compared to what or to whom?”. If it’s to someone or something that you know isn’t hard-charging, then just dismiss it and carry on. No second guessing. If it’s from someone who you look up to, always separate the hate from the message and try to understand if there’s a lesson to be learnt there, ask for details on what you’re doing wrong and then go and fix it. But whatever you do, if it’s important to you, never accept an externally imposed limitation as a self-imposed one. EVER.

So, Rafael, please learn to assess limitations wherever they may come from, and pick a strategy to deal with and keep being consistent at it. The road to mastery in any area starts with acknowledgement of your current limitations and in devising plans to address them. Consistently, day in and day out. Be relentless, even obsessed if relating to your vocation or dreams and all the other stuff will take care of itself.

On Serenity: What's up to us and what's not up to us

In living, we're all usually experiencing two different types of events. Ones we choose and ones that choose us. And unless we're into the habit of clearly seeing things this way, lines get blurred at times and one can get not very sure of which is which.

There's one particular prayer, though you know I'm not religious. that puts it in simple terms, called the Serenity Prayer by Niebuhr, a theologist.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

But this is a recent interpretation/new age version of something much older, first written by a philosopher of name Epictetus over 2000 years ago. His version goes:

"Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens. Some things are up to us, and some things are not up to us"

This definitely relates to the Process, but it's so much more than that. It's a way of interpreting the world. Of understanding cause and effect, and the role it plays or can play in our lives. If something is happening to you that you can do something about, like an exam, a sports event, an interview, a milestone of any kind then you convince yourself it's in your power to influence and you DO THE WORK.

But know that most outcomes in life are NOT up to you. You have no say in it because you're not the only party affected and the outcome will be a combination of, hopefully, your will power imposed on the world and external events that will influence, limit or constrain your actual outcome. Do NOT be attached to outcomes, because they're not up to us.

All we can do is do the work, put our game face on, and give it all we got, knowing we've done what we could. This is serenity. And when things don't go our away, when we prepared the wrong way and reality is turning out to be different than we planned and trained for, you just put a smile on your face and take it. Sometimes it's small stuff, sometimes it's actual catastrophes, but you have no control over them, you didn't choose it so you take it as it comes, re-assess what is now up to you and do that instead of fretting, worrying or feeling miserable or helpless. Because all these bad things I just mentioned, are personal choices. You choose to feel them, or you don't. THAT is up to you.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment" Marcus Aurelius

As is choosing to see the new opportunities that come from it. The new learning experience, your chance to practice a new skill, to be patient, generous and a positive influence to those around you. To lead, be brave, don't get nervous or jittery and keep your head when everyone is losing theirs, you'll have a strategic advantage over whoever's your competition (we all have it in some shape or form).

So Rafael, be truthful to yourself on making the assessment of what's up to you, and never use the "it's not up to me argument" as an excuse for laziness, but never despair on things that are not up to you. Take life and all the problems that come with it as they come, and keep serene focusing your energy on things you can actually change as it'll be a much better use of your time and energy. Accept the things you can't change, and always reassess if things changed significantly that you may now again have some control. If you still don't, just accept it and move on.

You yourself make the choice of living a life of grievances, regrets, catastrophes and turmoils or a life of focus, opportunities, work and purpose. This choice is always up to you.

On Patience: ‘Today isn’t my day, but my day is coming’

Anything worth pursuing in life, will take time and effort to actually achieve it.

You look at who you are and what you want, and if you’re willing to do what it takes, to put in the work and say ‘no’ to the things that distract and redirect you from working on your dreams, you’ll eventually get there.

As Rocky says “It’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”

And this is where most people fail. They start with great will, a great devotion and hope in their eyes and hearts, but then stuff takes longer than they expected. They’ve been doing it for a couple of months of a couple of years, and start feeling entitled to having it and when they don’t, they stop doing the work because “what’s the point?”.

The lack of patience is one of the biggest destroyers of dreams and goals, and at its root is an unwillingness to see where you are. To be self-aware enough to know how much you still need to work, how much experience you still need to gain in order to achieve it. As Eric Thomas says, “you should be happy you didn’t get your dreams yet, because you’re so immature that if you got it now, you’d probably lose it”.

So the key to keep moving forward, Rafael, is to ensure your path is what you want and walk it, every day giving further steps in the direction of your goals and dreams, and on those days where you’re feeling down and beaten up, or even that you failed an important milestone or someone else got a promotion or a praise that you were working to, you get your chin up and tell yourself “Today isn’t my day, but my day is coming”, and you get back to doing the work, because that’s the attitude that will ensure you’ll actually get there. It's all part of training.

Most overnight success stories are really decades in the making, and just because you lost doesn’t mean you’re a loser, so practice patience and reset your expectations on not only milestones but skills that you need to evidence to be who you want to be and knowing that few people end up exactly where they thought they’d end up, but when they’re working and patient they always become better and always achieve further.

On Boundaries: Set them yourself, or other people will

In dealing with other people, interactions happen in a dynamic fashion and the mere act of communicating means there will be differing degrees ofcomfort from each of the parties involved. When you talk to a like-minded friend whom you respect and are respected by, you're more likely to be in agreement with him as opposed to a conversation with someone that is challenging something you feel attached to, your whole way of living or something else that causes a negative or nervous reaction from you, from your core.

But as much as this is normal and expected human behaviour, you need to be vigilant about what you're willing or not willing to accept from other people because you'll not always be respected. We all experience this. People of all ages, from children, teenagers to adults will disrespect you and how you respond and deal with it will shape your personality, will have a significant contribution to who you are and your sense of self. On who you see in the mirror and your own internal dialogue so please don't take this lightly.

Scott Ginsberg put it better in his own writing, so I'll quote here:

"Turns out, if you don’t set your own boundaries, other people will set them for you. And then they will violate them. And then they will tell all their little friends to do the same. And it will be your fault because you failed to set a precedent.

Proving, that you teach people how to treat you. That boundaries are saviors. Without them, people will walk all over you."

I know far too well how it feels to both set and not set boundaries. Growing up I was fat, lazy, with a sense of moral righteousness and low self esteem. I looked to others for acceptance and cared more about being accepted and loved than standing up for myself. I spent my days wishing I was the other more popular kids, being friendzoned with the girls and looking for acceptance from them instead of doing the work within myself to be who I dreamed of being.

I didn't set boundaries, so many abused them. I was ridiculed often, not taken seriously and people only approached me when they wanted affirmation to their own miseries, because I was the nice and understanding guy who always had a nice shoulder to cry on. And it wasn't until I became a young adult (my fat loss journey supported the final stage of this), that I started loving myself enough to set my own boundaries.To stop looking for affirmation from others as the means to feel happy within myself. I lived with constant anxiety, resentment and even guilt.

And this was a game changer for me. Once I realized that everyone around me is a guest in my reality, life started going better for me. Because you always have at least 2 choices if you feel someone's going over your boundaries: you can either remove yourself and those other people from your reality, or you stand up for yourself and tell them exactly how far you're willing to go and that you won't take more than that. And for the first couple of times, it's scary. You don't change patterns overnight, but you need to know that if you don't do it, if you don't face the resistance within you and start setting boundaries not only will everyone else walk over you, but your posture, your eyes and your whole being will be a billboard telling the world it's okay to walk all over you. Especially for us, men, you can often tell just by looking at them so please be aware of that. And it wasn't until I decided I'd rather be punched in the face than keep feeling helpless that I finally started addressing this.

I spent enough of my life losing, and will never go back there. Not a choice. As Zach Even Esh says, "Always remember: the worst thing that can happen to men is that you're no longer dangerous". Set your boundaries. It's the healthy thing to do, and the people close to you will value you more for it. And if you have people disrespecting you, once you start standing up for yourself ready to take on whatever consequences from doing it, they'll know you're not going to take it, not without a fight (proverbial or not) and you'll get your respect and back, and others around you will get a sense of how far they can go.

So, Rafael, define your own boundaries when dealing with others, ensure they know what those are and never fail to set a precedent especially in group settings. And if you ever fail to set precedents, know what the consequences are and what it is you need to do to stop being disrespected. Know you can always change yourself, and just because you're not who you want to be today doesn't mean you need to accept that forever. But you can only do it if you have the courage and perseverance that are required. And if the choice needs to be between being predator or prey, choose the former.

On the Process: You own today, the future takes care of itself

Many different authors talk about the 'process', in that what they're really talking about in simple terms is what it is you need to do to be successful at whatever you decide your craft or goal is.

And this is the part that most people don't get. Almost every overnight success story, has been in the making for years or decades. For most of us, when we get a breakthrough or reach a milestone, people around you will keep mentioning how lucky you are and stuff always seems to work out for you.

Eric Thomas, Zach Even-Esh, Scott Ginsberg and Seth Godin (some of my mentors) had been doing their craft for way over a decade before they got their breakthrough, before they got known and before they made themselves remarkable, but still in the eyes of most they got lucky and were given an opportunity and got to do the best out of it.

Not something I usually do, but let me share something personal here. I've been doing my craft since I was 14 years old (Security). It's not just what I do, it's part of who I am. It's my identity. And whenever I give another step forward in my career (and I'm not done yet, still have much to accomplish), I get the well intended comments that everything always works out for me. And you know what ? It does. And it does, because I trust the process and I walk the walk. I say my goal out loud once, then I shut up and grind.

I wake up every morning just after 5am to study before going in to work, every year I'm either studying for my degree or doing security certifications. I use my commute time to either read or listen to audio books, and I only listen to books that will develop me with subjects from leadership, influencing people, being present, management, achieving goals, emotional intelligence. By the time I get in the office, I have over 3 hours of learning EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm relentless and obsessed with improvement, and I never feel I know too much. Always learning, always growing, always someone out there that can teach me things, and I strive on being better everyday.

This is the process, Rafael. This is what you must trust if you are to be successful. You wake up every morning knowing who you are, what you want and what you need to do to achieve it and you go and do it. You go spend the hours, you go put in the effort because you believe in your goal and your craft and why you're doing it or who you're doing it for. It's not pretty, many times tiring and you feel like giving up, especially when times go by and you don't feel like you're making progress, but you keep getting to your spot every day and you grind. You fall in love with it, you fall in love with the hardships and the improvement, you fall in love with the sense of achievement from walking the walk and knowing that one day an opportunity will come your way and you'll be ready, because you spent your waking life preparing for it, and whenever your circumstances change and you can't follow your routine, you make adjustments and not excuses.

Men don't rise to occasions. They fall to the level of their preparation.

On Pain: It can produce beautiful things

No matter how much effort one can put in to avoid change and risk, we all feel pain Rafael. Some with broken nails, some with broken lives but to each individually it's meaningful, it's our own personal problems made up of the thoughts we entertain, the dreams we have, the experiences we lived and how we decided to encode them in our minds.

Pain then can have different impact on different people. Some choose succumb underneath it. They let themselves get crushed by the potency of pain and how hard it can bite, and as a result they retract. They shrink, they stop and go back to their comfortable lives not going anywhere near it again.

Others, understand that pain is an immense driving force that all the great people that lived before us used as fuel for the purpose of increasing their personal threshold, to grow and learn from everything that happens to them, good or bad because you can always take something with you from the experience. Show me a great man, and he'll probably have at least one great pain.

Pain produces things inside you, Rafael. Don't run from it. Pain is a necessary part of learning to be comfortable being uncomfortable. And from that pain you can build tolerance, resilience, endurance and the strength of character that comes with it. Marcus Aurelius said "Nothing is so conducive to greatness of mind as the ability to subject each element of our experience in life to methodical and truthful examination".

And yes, pain is uncomfortable. It's supposed to. It's hard because it prepares you for life, and is the ultimate measure of will: you either want something bad enough to endure the pain, or you be like everyone else and don't get it.

But beware that it can also break you if you don't develop the habit of overcoming and improving yourself. Pain can make you quit, can make you give up on your goals and dreams, can make you start making excuses to yourself and come up with great explanations on how you're not even sure if you'd be successful. But it can go deeper than that. In your darkest moments, remember there's new life that will come from it. The sun will begin to rise next, so you can't give up. You need to get back up and endure the pain.

See if for what it is, and understand how it shaped who you are and you'll master the pain and learn to use it to your advantage. Reflect on your pains, the many you'll have as we all do, and use it as the beautiful tool it can be to imprint meaning in your life, but let this reasoning itself cause no pain as only your own judgment can harm you.

"Accept humbly: let go easily."

On Life's Variability: 'This too shall pass away'

As men and women, we're not static. There's no such thing as something that is kept constant in the human mind, as I believe that we're all either growing or shrinking, and it's our own individual choices that guide how we evolve. When one decides to stop to learn, to stop growing, getting better or decides one's 'good enough', that's when human decay sets in and people start losing abilities.

Life itself, isn't static either. One moment you're on the top of the world, you feel great about yourself and your achievements, and then something happens and you get melancholic and sad and demotivated, and even start questioning not only your capabilities but your fitness to have an opinion.

This is inherently human and happens to all of us, at different stages of your lives with varying degrees of impact in our own minds, positive or negative.

But, as rational beings we are, it's our own choice on how we deal with moments of pain and discomfort and sadness and even despair, just as its our own choice on how we deal with moments of love, affection, excitement and achievement. But even independently of how we choose to deal with any of the above, most fail to see that all is transient. Nothing is static. That it's part of life to have ups and downs, and just because you can't see a way out of a problem at the moment doesn't mean you won't be over it in a couple of months.

And that's where most people fail. They achieve one state, happy or sad, and assume that's their new reality. That's their new 'them', and that nothing will ever change. Until it does... over and over again.

Abraham Lincoln, the American president, in one of his famous speeches told the following tale:

'It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!'

This is the essence of living, Rafael. Never feel entitled. Never assume that where you are now is where you'll always be, because you'll be wrong. Expect great achievements if you're putting in the work, but expect great losses and disappointments because they happen to everyone. And use every opportunity that comes your way, as a growth tool giving you either lessons or blessings. And whatever you do, know that you can plan all you want but nothing will ever come out exactly as you imagined it. It's life's variability that makes it worth living, that makes it worth waking up every single day to see what's lined up for you. Everyday being a new battle.

One last note of caution though. Don't assume that what happens to you is a measure of your worth. It's not. Just because you won, doesn't make you a winner and just because you lost, doesn't make you a loser.
What is a measure of your worth is how you respond to what happens to you, and if you'll allow external circumstances to affect the core of your being because for most, their feelings and emotions are what's in control of their lives, not their directing mind. And if you choose to live like that, be prepared for constant disappointment and ruminating on the same stuff over and over again, because life will keep knocking you down and you won't have the tools to get back up.
Work on developing personal resilience, never thinking too highly of yourself and expect that both failure and success will come your way everyday. And when it does, see if for what it really is and not for how you wish to feel it knowing 'it too shall pass away'

On the Habit of doing more than paid for

I learned many years ago from Napoleon Hill in his book called 'Law of Success' the importance of the habit of doing more than paid for.

Napoleon Hill words in a much more eloquent way than what I could, so I'll leave it in his words:

“The farmer carefully prepares the ground, then sows his wheat and waits while the Law of Increasing Returns brings back the seed he has sown, plus a many-fold increase”

That's exactly what it is. The habit of doing more than paid for is nothing more than planting seeds and waiting for them to grow, knowing not all seeds do. And this is the challenge for most people. If they fully believed that by doing it they'd get more out of a job, they'd get more out of their personal relationships, get more out of life insofar as they're aren't completely lazy and uncaring about their craft, they'd do it. But there's no guarantee. There's never any written guarantee that consistently doing more than paid for will yield returns and that's exactly why it's so valuable. That's exactly why it's a competitive advantage for those who do.

Doing more than paid for is about positioning. Positioning with your stakeholders that you have what it takes to lead, that you can handle anything thrown your way and will get the problem solved when everyone else falters and quits and come up with a million excuses and zero adjustments. This positioning is not about being long hours in the office, it's about being effective and knocking down objectives one by one. It's about getting shit done.

But for me, the most interesting aspect of doing more than paid for, is that if you don't you guarantee you never will get paid more. Because those who do do are the stars, they're the ones getting noticed and standing out from their peers and they're the first in line for promotions and for handling the big and important stuff, because they convince everyone around them they can and will get the job done.

Many use the particular sentence 'But I'm not paid to do that' which at times is definitely the case, but that's exactly the reason why you should be doing it, Rafael. That's the reason why that experience, of going over and above, will make you grow and will increase your proficiency, your knowledge and give you the 'experience for free' on doing something you're not fully comfortable with but you decided not to run away from but tackle it head-on and do the best you can, which is all anyone can ask of anyone else.

Do not be afraid to do it, son, and do not be afraid you may not get it 100% right. Be prepared to apologize if it doesn't completely work out just as long you're being diligent and fair and professional. Do this consistently, and you'll set your life up for achieving great things and to always keep moving forward and not be stuck in any place in your life.

Choosing the path of doing more than paid for is about process not results, Rafael. And the funny thing about it, is that results will always vary throughout your life (it does for everyone), and may at times be good for you and at other times hurt you, but if you have the process right life can knock you down 1000 times that you'll always know how to get back up and keep yourself on a path that can only lead to doing and being more. I can see nothing wrong with that.