On Boundaries: Set them yourself, or other people will

In dealing with other people, interactions happen in a dynamic fashion and the mere act of communicating means there will be differing degrees ofcomfort from each of the parties involved. When you talk to a like-minded friend whom you respect and are respected by, you're more likely to be in agreement with him as opposed to a conversation with someone that is challenging something you feel attached to, your whole way of living or something else that causes a negative or nervous reaction from you, from your core.

But as much as this is normal and expected human behaviour, you need to be vigilant about what you're willing or not willing to accept from other people because you'll not always be respected. We all experience this. People of all ages, from children, teenagers to adults will disrespect you and how you respond and deal with it will shape your personality, will have a significant contribution to who you are and your sense of self. On who you see in the mirror and your own internal dialogue so please don't take this lightly.

Scott Ginsberg put it better in his own writing, so I'll quote here:

"Turns out, if you don’t set your own boundaries, other people will set them for you. And then they will violate them. And then they will tell all their little friends to do the same. And it will be your fault because you failed to set a precedent.

Proving, that you teach people how to treat you. That boundaries are saviors. Without them, people will walk all over you."

I know far too well how it feels to both set and not set boundaries. Growing up I was fat, lazy, with a sense of moral righteousness and low self esteem. I looked to others for acceptance and cared more about being accepted and loved than standing up for myself. I spent my days wishing I was the other more popular kids, being friendzoned with the girls and looking for acceptance from them instead of doing the work within myself to be who I dreamed of being.

I didn't set boundaries, so many abused them. I was ridiculed often, not taken seriously and people only approached me when they wanted affirmation to their own miseries, because I was the nice and understanding guy who always had a nice shoulder to cry on. And it wasn't until I became a young adult (my fat loss journey supported the final stage of this), that I started loving myself enough to set my own boundaries.To stop looking for affirmation from others as the means to feel happy within myself. I lived with constant anxiety, resentment and even guilt.

And this was a game changer for me. Once I realized that everyone around me is a guest in my reality, life started going better for me. Because you always have at least 2 choices if you feel someone's going over your boundaries: you can either remove yourself and those other people from your reality, or you stand up for yourself and tell them exactly how far you're willing to go and that you won't take more than that. And for the first couple of times, it's scary. You don't change patterns overnight, but you need to know that if you don't do it, if you don't face the resistance within you and start setting boundaries not only will everyone else walk over you, but your posture, your eyes and your whole being will be a billboard telling the world it's okay to walk all over you. Especially for us, men, you can often tell just by looking at them so please be aware of that. And it wasn't until I decided I'd rather be punched in the face than keep feeling helpless that I finally started addressing this.

I spent enough of my life losing, and will never go back there. Not a choice. As Zach Even Esh says, "Always remember: the worst thing that can happen to men is that you're no longer dangerous". Set your boundaries. It's the healthy thing to do, and the people close to you will value you more for it. And if you have people disrespecting you, once you start standing up for yourself ready to take on whatever consequences from doing it, they'll know you're not going to take it, not without a fight (proverbial or not) and you'll get your respect and back, and others around you will get a sense of how far they can go.

So, Rafael, define your own boundaries when dealing with others, ensure they know what those are and never fail to set a precedent especially in group settings. And if you ever fail to set precedents, know what the consequences are and what it is you need to do to stop being disrespected. Know you can always change yourself, and just because you're not who you want to be today doesn't mean you need to accept that forever. But you can only do it if you have the courage and perseverance that are required. And if the choice needs to be between being predator or prey, choose the former.