On “Mr. Ugly”: Put him where he belongs

There’s a concept used by many different authors, all giving them a different name, that I like to use myself. I like to call it “Mr. Ugly” as the Ultimate Warrior (a WWE wrestling star from my childhood) used to, as I believe it puts a great perspective. Some may call it the Devil, daemon or even the Terminator (Oliver Stark reference), or “the resistance” as Seth Godin refers to it in “Linchpin”.

Whatever you call it, you’re giving a name and form to that voice we all have inside our heads that is an on-going effort to sabotage our goals and efforts. It’s the voice telling you to eat chocolate cake when you’re losing or closely watching your weight. It’s the voice telling you you’re not good enough to do and achieve something you yearn for. It’s the voice telling you that it’s too hard and not worth it, and that you’re better off sitting on your bum instead of putting in the hard work to be successful.

I’ve struggled myself, and still do, with Mr. Ugly a lot.

Maybe because I overcame so many different things in life, my Mr. Ugly has way too much ammo and knowledge on me so he can easily remind me of that it’s ok to overeat, ok not to train, ok not to be relentless in my pursuit of being the best man and father I can aspire to be. Most men are weak after all.

And what’s dangerous about Mr. Ugly, is he never goes away. It’s the little voice that second guesses your decisions. It’s the voice saying you can rest today, you always have tomorrow or the day after. It’s the voice that tells you don’t need to live with a sense of urgency. Basically, it’s bullshit and those who permanently succumb to Mr. Ugly cannot expect to improve on the long run. It’s making excuses, and not adjustments. Rationalizing weak behaviour and patting yourself on the back for a job half or not done. The reason why I like to call him Mr. Ugly is because when he comes and when he takes over and I myself exhibit weak behaviour, I know that he’s pushing me away from my dreams and I’m doing things that make me Ugly, because that’s who I am and how I look when I’m not relentlessly pursuing my dreams and succumbing to the things that make me weak.

Living with a strong Mr. Ugly isn’t easy (I can attest to that), but there are things you can do to shut him down and control that voice. I have 3 suggestions on how to deal with Mr. Ugly.

Realize he has valid and relevant concerns

He knows the pains you have inside, the unfinished business you won’t even mutter to another soul, and that’s what gives him his power. He knows all your failures and about every time you fell, even the ones you’d rather not admit to yourself. So don’t just dismiss what he’s telling you, because if it stirs you up inside, it’s relevant to your being. This implies you need to face it.

Know that he’s about fear and doubt, and both are personal choices

We are what we choose to focus on, and fear and doubt will probably always be there. Even world class relentless people have their own fears and doubts, and sometimes even a sense of inadequacy. Feeling the fear is not the problem, the problem is when you choose to do nothing about it. You need to learn to feel the fear and doubt, but just do it anyway. You need to aim to be comfortable being uncomfortable with fear and doubt. Choose to adjust.

Focus on the next task, stop dealing with all possible problems at once

When Mr. Ugly starts he has a tendency not to stop, and you may end up spiralling in a sea of potential problems and issues that only add to each other and may even paralyze you. When this happens, the best strategy is to forget about all of that and focus on the next task at hand only and whatever problems you may have to deal with to do that task. This breaks complex things into small measurable chunks which makes it feasible to expect success, and the forward momentum you get will shut Mr. Ugly, at least for some time before he chimes back in which will happen.

Rafael, we all live with Mr. Ugly. He lives within all of us, so don’t wish for him to go away because that’s probably not up to you. But know that he’ll keep you from doing anything productive if he can, he’ll plant the seeds of doubt and fear as much as he can because he can only focus on avoiding potential disappointment, which implies that if you let him he’s going to stir you away from achievement because success is never guaranteed. So put him where he belongs. As a trusted advisor on what you’re afraid of, on the things that get you off your game and force you in negative spirals of inactivity and second guessing. 

Knowing where you’re weak is the greatest benefit of having Mr. Ugly, so never let that go to waste and never dismiss him but likewise do not allow him to take over. Your goals and dreams have to be the ones in charge.