"I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone"

This post came to be over a sentence I've read in the book I'm currently reading. I didn't catch it on the first time I've read it, but on the second run it stood out. This is probably the most personal post I've ever written and will ever write as it details things in my life I've never mentioned to anyone before about, but I feel it is teaching me an important lesson to share with you, Rafael, and whenever my time comes it will give you an insight into who your father is and what shaped him like nothing else I'll ever write.

I hadn't cried since I've been 17 years old, but apparently it wasn't broken because writing this did the trick. :)

The sentence in the "The Phoenix Project" book is from Steve, the CEO, and he's sharing his personal life with his Board of Directors. "But it's hard being a poor country hick, surrounded by people from privileged families. I feel like I need to prove myself to everyone".

Let's first establish how I personally deal with this. When I look at my life, I've been through hardships that would've probably broken most people I know, if I'm honest, but I always focus on perspecctive. So many people have had it so much worse than me, and beat odds much less favourable than mine, that I'm never going to be complaining about anything. This is my story, everyone has theirs and theirs are as relevant to them, as mine is to me.

Perspective is what has kept me since I was 17 years old, but not until then, from feeling sorry for myself and blame the whole world for what I couldn't do and who I couldn't be. Now, onwards.

I'm 34 years old at the time of writing this, and I'm still personally dealing with feeling like I need to prove myself to the whole world, and I now clearly see it has to do with the fact that I've grown and currently work and live with people that come from privilege so I always feel the need to constantly be proving myself. This isn't necessarily healthy and I need to change.

Now, the key point is what it means to me "coming from privilege", and this where it gets personal.

If you've never missed a meal, you come from privilege
If you didn't grow up with an alcoholic parent, you come from privilege
If you've never had your parent want to go buy half a chicken, for you, your other parent and himself to have dinner, you come from privilege
If you've never seen your parent harm himself in front of you, you come from privilege
If you never, as a young child, been put aside by the teacher on a school party day because she assessed that your parent's contribution was insufficient, you come from privilege
If you didn't grow up as a coward because you couldn't stand up for yourself, you come from privilege
If you never been put to fend for yourself as a teenager, unskilled and unprepared, you come from privilege
If you didn't grow up with some of your social groups to constantly make fun of you, including girls and how that felt inside, because how fat you are, you come from privilege
If as a child you didn't spend a whole night crying, because your friends parents were so good to them and you didn't have any of that in your life, you come from privilege
If you never felt ashamed, for after having your initial break and start teaching, to be serving your engineer students at a coffee shop and you were working there because they fed you and your parent and paid you an extra €5 a day, you come from privilege

This what I mean when I say I'm surrounded by people that come from privilege, and please whatever you do, do not feel sorry for me or pity because I don't. Again, everyone has their own story, this is just mine. All of this early on, made me learn lessons that most people will never learn in a lifetime, and I knew them by the time I was 20, so my story is a growth one (downhill from there would be tough, even for Fortune :)) so there's nothing to be sorry or to feel pity about.

The cautionare tale for both of us, because I'm sure that as your father and as a high achiever, there's the risk that you'll feel the need or even I have the expectation that you live up to my achievements and go even further that I'll ever be able to go, because I'd love you be as engaged in your craft and passionate about learning and development as I am, but know that your life is yours and you need to live by your own terms, understanding the skin in the game you have of making your own decisions and taking your own risks.

As your father, it is my job to warn you of perils ahead and you'd probably be wise to listen :) but at the end of the day, you are the sole owner of your life (after you're an adult and never before, until then it's called parenting and it's legal :D) and you're the one, because we all are, responsible for the outcomes we want or have in life.

Don't feel the need to prove yourself to others, not even to me, Rafael. Prove yourself to you.

On living a happy and productive life

By our very human nature combined with modern heavy data consumption and online social activity levels, it's probably more difficult than ever in human history to feel happy and lead a simple and productive life.

But if we are to aim for that, which we should, we need to consciously decide on some fundamental principles that are to serve as the compass to our decision making, such that knowing what the right thing for you to do is in any given situation is automatic and self-evident.

I believe that living a happy and productive life and defining what that is for you, in your personal circumstance and context, with your goals and aspirations but also your shortcomings or what you still need to work at is key to the being a content person.

To be productive you first need to shut down the noise. There's too much noise in our society, and attention spans are ever smaller. You can't live a productive life whilst being bombarded with multiple stimuli constantly. Shutting down the noise implies that you can filter what's essencial, so that's the first question.

What is essential for you to feel balanced and in which order ? This can usually be derived from your values, the things you hold dear. To me, it's my family, my career and my health. IN THAT ORDER. This is key. Knowing what takes precedence even if it's uncomfortable to have to choose one over another.

Determine activities that support your balance and productive goals - these are the things you do to get action behind what comes out of your mouth. An example would be knowing I need to keep studying and learning if I'm to support my career goals. Or ensure I go to the gym regularly to support my health goals.

Identify the 'fun factor' in those activities- look for the little or big things that you really enjoy on those activities. You may not like all of it, but there are usually aspects of what makes you productive you like. It helps if you actually enjoy your work for instance. Then focus on that particular aspect of the activity and not what you don't like so much about. For instance, there are many types of physical training, choose one you can actually enjoy if health is something you value.

Choose activities that maximize both fun and productivity - Now you have the baseline set to choose to do things that maximize fun and your sense of well being, but also productivity towards doing and being the things you value. For instance, for me Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is the one activity that spans all 3 things I value (my ability to defend my family if needed, the carryover to my career from being able to face adversity and discomfort and it's a great workout so it's productive for me to train regularly so I can maximize what I hold dear

Go do it - Then the framework is set, and your job is to wake up and do those maximised activities every single day, so you're always one step closer to being who you wish to be across everything you hold dear.

That's it. Then, day to day decision making and routine becomes simple, easy and enjoyable because you're always doing things you like. It may be a 6 in happiness as opposed to a 10, but it's also productive so that's good enough and is helping you build your character on a daily basis.

Life becomes mostly automatic and decision making simple and easy. You do the things that keep you balanced and that allow you to move forward in all areas you value in your life.